Building and maintaining healthy relationships

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Entering into and maintaining a loving relationship can be one of the most rewarding experiences in life. In the early stages of a relationship, we often focus most of our energy and attention on our partner and the relationship. We spend a lot of time talking and listening to one another—we share our thoughts, interests, feelings and dreams. At this point in time, the relationship may seem effortless.

However, as we move through life with our partner, there may be times when differences and difficulties seem to dominate the relationship. Fortunately, many couples are seeking solutions instead of exits. They are finding the courage to question and take responsibility for their choices and actions. Building and maintaining a mutually satisfying relationship takes commitment, time and ongoing effort.

Keep the lines of communication open

We hear about the importance of communication all the time, and without a doubt, effective communication is an essential building block to a healthy, satisfying relationship. The reality is that communicating effectively is often easier said than done. In relationships that are strained, it’s common to find partners saying of each other, "He or she just doesn't understand," or, "He or she never hears a word I say." Such comments point to a need to focus on and improve communication skills.

Consider the following suggestions to improve communication in your relationship:

• Listen. A first step to understanding our partner is to listen without interrupting. When couples have difficulty listening to each other, consider passing notes for a while. Getting things down on paper, then taking the time to read and respond, can help both partners learn to slow down and focus their attention.

• Ask for clarification. If you are picking up a mixed message, try something like, "I'm confused. You say nothing's wrong, but your voice sounds unhappy. I care and I want to know what's going on with you."

• Speak up. Remember, even though we may have the sense that our partners know us inside out, we cannot expect them to be mind readers. If we want our partners to understand us, we need to speak up and say what we mean.

• Time it. Choose the right time to talk about something important. For instance, it's probably not a good idea to bring up a sensitive issue just before bedtime. It may be necessary to set up a specific time to talk with your partner.

• Find a spot. Keep outside distractions to a minimum. Turn off the TV, find a quiet room or take a walk to have important discussions.

• Fight fair. Arguing one's point of view and disagreeing are bound to happen in every relationship. In healthy relationships, couples will argue or disagree without putting down their partner. Avoid comments that manipulate (“If you loved me, you would”), absolutes (“you always” or “you never”) and labelling (“you're stingy”). When couples fight fairly, they let respect for their partners override their anger.

They also know and respect each others limits and call for a time out.

Problem solving

Problems are an expected part of any relationship. The difference between a healthy relationship and a strained relationship is not necessarily the type or number of problems. The difference lies in how problems are resolved.

When it comes right down to it, problems are situations that require our attention, decision and action. Within a relationship, effective problem solving in the long run involves having a game plan for how problems will be handled when they arise, and working together to make it happen.

• Commit time. The first step is setting a time aside to discuss strategies for problem solving. This needs to be done during a problem-free time. There are a number of useful steps to include in a problem solving strategy.

• Discuss the problem. Gather as much information as possible in order to understand the situation. This includes learning about how people feel about the problem as well as gathering facts.

• Generate various solutions. Once you have come up with a number of options, discuss the pros and cons of each.

• Select the best option. Even though the pros and cons have been identified, often there are a few options that emerge as good possibilities. It’s common for couples to get stuck at this step. If time permits, it can be helpful to take a break at this point and come back with a fresh outlook.

• Test the decision. Agreeing upon a schedule for household tasks and trying it for a one month period is an example of testing a decision.

• Follow up and evaluate. It's important to look at the outcome of our decision to see what is working, what is not working and to get feedback from all concerned. If one option or system doesn't seem to be working out, then the next step involves making some slight revisions or going back to the option list and trying something different.