Gay and lesbian issues: grieving the loss of a partner

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Whether due to death or separation, anyone who has recently lost a life partner is likely to feel as though their life has been turned upside down. There’s not only the loss of a loved one to deal with, but also the loss of a way of life as part of a couple. For bereaved gay or lesbian partners who have not fully “come out,” there’s the additional trauma of having to try to grieve in secret, with reduced support from those around them.

If you are recently bereaved or separated, there will be challenges but you will get through them, one day at a time.

In this article, we’ll take a look at some of the issues and emotions you may face over the next few months—some of them are common to everyone who has lost a loved one, and some are more specifically related to gay and lesbian issues.

If you’re "in the closet" about your sexual identity

[If this isn’t an issue for you, continue to “Daily Routine” below]

If you haven’t fully “come out,” you may feel especially unable to fully share your grief with the world. You may be trying to resume work immediately following a death in order to avoid disclosure of your personal situation, or feel forced to lie to explain your absence or distress. If you’re in this situation, it can be especially difficult and isolating to deal with your grief and pain in secret.

If the death was the result of an AIDS-related illness, the loss has likely been preceded by a long period of stress and worry as the illness took its toll. As the bereaved partner, you may already be exhausted when the additional shock and pain of the death occurs.

AIDS is, unfortunately, still a taboo subject in some parts of society. You may even be urged to maintain silence about the death by family members. Given the importance in the healing process of being able to express yourself, this can make life extremely difficult and can prolong the grieving process.

Parents and family members of the deceased may refuse to recognize the gay relationship and the critical role the surviving partner played in the deceased's life. This can result in significant challenges related to funeral arrangements, finances, etc.

Steps to take

Whether you are fully “out” or not, it’s crucial to reach out for support and find opportunities to fully express your grief. Being able to express your pain is an important part of the healing process. As much as possible:

• Spend time with those who know your situation and can give you the support and care you need.

• If you have not yet “come out,” contact a community support line or access support from people or services in the gay and lesbian community.

Daily routine

Immediately following the death of a loved one, most people feel disoriented, helpless and a little detached from life. When you've lost a partner, you're facing the additional challenge of a sudden and complete loss of your day-to-day routine. Building new routines can bring some structure back into your life and gradually help to develop a sense of stability.

Some people find it's helpful to write out a routine for each day, with mealtimes and times for exercise, cooking and shopping, etc. If this works for you, attach the schedule to your fridge or bathroom mirror, and use it as a guide to get through each hour, each day, and eventually each week. Even if a formalized routine isn’t your thing, do try to:

• Aim for a regular bedtime.

• Try to eat at regular times every day.

• Switch on your favourite radio or TV channels—even if you feel you can't focus on anything that's going on, the company and familiarity they provide might be helpful.

• Though you may find it difficult to concentrate on work or other outside activities for a while, it can be helpful to gradually ease yourself back into a routine.

• If your employer is able to be flexible, perhaps you can discuss returning to work on reduced hours or days for a couple of weeks.

Give yourself permission to break your routine

• Routine is important—but so is flexibility. When you feel the need to throw all the rules out of the window and just weep, that's exactly what you should do.

• Be kind to yourself. Give yourself time to grieve.

• Don't be swayed by other people's views about what you should or shouldn't be feeling or doing right now. Grieve the way you need to grieve and be kind to yourself.

Practical challenges

The loss of a partner may involve some special challenges that may seem unimportant to other people but may be painfully difficult for you. We've gathered practical tips that have worked for some people in this situation. Again, remember there are no rules. Do what works best for you.